On the other hand, it's fun to scare the crap out of guys who make the terrible, terrible mistake of assuming I'm a delicate quirkflower myself just because I have big eyes, pale skin, and rad taste in cardigans.

(via theresa-c)

Ok. While you may have a point, I will defend Ms. Portman’s Garden State character until… I don’t feel like it anymore.

First of all, she has to wear a helmet. AT WORK. FOR INSURANCE PURPOSES. I could write the world’s most heartbreaking sonnet on that alone.

Second, the scene where the hamster dies and she’s all cute about the burial. I assume that will happen just about every day with the girl of my dreams, in a metaphorical sense.  Actually, scratch metaphor, I’ll just buy tons of hamsters.  Those things die all the time.

Third, I believe I think I can speak for the entire male population when I say you should be quirkey and fun all of the time. NO EXCEPTIONS. A little cute, spontaneous laughter, you cook dinner, clean some stuff, have some sexy time, and then that’s it. No mention of anything in the bathroom. Even anything that goes on in the shower is off limits unless there are pictures or I am physically involved.

Anyways, you women of Twitter may feel like you’re on a higher plane because you possess some unique manly skills, like cleverness and wit.  But know that, if we ever meet in person, I will not be impressed.  I still have dishes to be done. Boom roasted.  (I’m kidding I love all* of you).

*some. sort of. you could be robots.

Talent?

damselesque:

Gosh, I wish I knew what I was good at. Seriously. I have no idea. I can’t draw or take good pictures or sculpt or cook or play guitar. I’m not overly intellectual or well read. I see all the awesome Low Resolution Theater stuff and my husband’s drawings and I wish that I had that kind of talent. My talents are much less defined. I know a lot about pop culture. I can fit into almost any situation. People tend to trust me and tell me about themselves. And I can sing. I’m not the best singer, but I do have a voice. So, I guess that’s something.

I guess I answered my own question. Silly Beth.

I don’t know what my talent is either. Living in New York my whole life thus far, I assume it’s either surfing or being a cowboy.  I guess I’ll never know.

"The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time."
— George Bernard Shaw
HEY GUYS!

aimee-b-loved:

I KNOW THAT I SHOULD RESPECT MY ELDERS BUT IT’S HARD WHEN BRUCE LISTENS TO MORE BOSTON THAN ANY LIVING PERSON. WELL, ANY LIVING PERSON AFTER 1980. I’M JUST THANKFUL THAT HE DOESN’T REQUEST IT AT THE ROLLER RINK. INSTEAD, HE ASKS FOR TIFFANY. BECAUSE “I THINK WE’RE ALONE NOW” IS HIS JAM. YES, IT’S MORE THAN 2 DECADES OLD. BUT EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS.

I’ve got a feeling that you aren’t a huge fan of Boston? Actually, it might be more than a feeling.

Cat Cam!

I have a small, old security camera that I picked up for like $15 a couple years ago, and I figured I should try to get some use out of it.  At about the same time, I noticed my awesome cat had caught another mouse.  It has caught rabbits, birds, mice… just about everything.  So, I wondered “how cool would it be to follow her around all day.”

And the idea for project “cat cam!” is born.  Unfortunately, I can’t find the cat. My sister also mentioned that it may not even have a collar.  This would foil my plan to attach it to her collar.  Also, I’m not sure how to keep the camera securely fastened in an upright position on her head.  I know it would annoy me if I were the cat, so it’s a hurdle I’ll have to overcome.

But I digress.  Yes, this is what I do as an unemployed person all day.  Even better, once I get it to work, if I ever get bored I can just sit down and see what the cat is doing.  Awesome.

I Need Your Bud Light Bottle Caps
  • [via text message]
  • Me: Hey I can't go to that Bills game on the 20th with you. Also, I need any bud light bottle caps you have
  • Him: good I dont want ya to come anyways... and why the bottle caps?
  • Me: I'm building shit
  • Him: not a good enough answer for me to help u out.
  • Me: I'm making a bottle cap Tower of Hanoi. Google it later.
  • Him: why r u assuming that I dont know what the tower of hanoi is?
  • Me: Because it has nothing to do with sports?
  • Him: ouch... i mean true i dont know what it is... but its wrong to assume lol
  • Me: I rest my case.
Should work out to 6ft to scale when/if I finish it.

Should work out to 6ft to scale when/if I finish it.

Gratuitous Paragraph About Yourself Wednesday

There’s this baby squirrel who always gets in my apartment and messes with stuff.  It kinda annoys me, but whatever.. cute baby squirrel.  Lately he isn’t as cute so we’re starting to fight. I sneak in on him, stress him out, and shout as he crawls back on the roof.  I see him frolicking outside, our eyes meet in an epic stare-down, and then we continue on our day.  Also, he really likes eggs.  Who would have guessed.  Just sits there eating the last of the whites that I’ve thrown out.  Anyways, the last straw came when he apparently tried to jump on the toothpick Eiffel tower that I’m building (yes, I’m lame).  The stupid thing misaligned it slightly and a couple pieces of the structure needed to be glued back on, so all in all it wasn’t that bad.  But anyways, I’ll be nailing up that hole and trying to finish the tower by Christmas.  I’ll post a picture of the base later.

In Recognition of These Pants

Often I find myself not being outwardly encouraging or thankful enough when I should be.  So, I’m taking a step in the right direction.

These pants I have been wearing, for what is probably weeks now, deserve to be recognized.

I have been very lazy.  I’ve had so much laundry I decided just to go the Surviver-Man route with my remaining clothing.  When these pants were to get visibly dirty, I would be forced to do some wash.  But they didn’t. For weeks they dodged spills, avoided puddles, no dirt, food, or athletic bouts that got them sweaty.  They just held tough. Never asking for anything in return, just stoically fighting the battle by my side against decent human hygiene.

Finally, today, I started to clean.  I got all my clothes together, put them in a basket, and finally took them over for my mom to do. Whew.

So, thank you pants. Your efforts have not gone unnoticed.

Lemon Tree
  • Her: She got me a Lemon Tree for Christmas. It's an indoor tree. It's like the best Christmas gift ever.
  • Me: No, it's like a chore, then all you get are lemons. Life just gives people lemons and they aren't ever that thrilled about it.
  • Her: It's like getting lemonade whenever you want it. Awesome. I'll get you an indoor tree for Christmas.
  • Me: No, I definitely do not want an indoor tree.
  • Her: See, I think you think you don't want one, but you really would like one.
  • Me: I do not think I think I would want one, and also I really don't want one.
  • Her: Well you need something to take care of but you are never motivated enough to do something for yourself. I'll get you a kitten.
  • Me: Fine, get me a kitten. I'll keep it in the water reservoir behind the toilet. It can swim and meow and yelp all day and it won't even bother me.
  • PRO TIP: Always end with a kitten joke.
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